


Captain's Log... Somewhat

by TheLilyoftheValley



Category: Ratchet & Clank
Genre: Crazy shenanigans, On the planet Earth, Random - Freeform, Social Media, god help us all, this is what happens when you give Qwark a phone and internet access
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-09 19:58:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12895602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLilyoftheValley/pseuds/TheLilyoftheValley
Summary: Qwark, while touring planet Earth with Ratchet and Clank, discovers online sites were he can post things about himself constantly. No harm in that, right?





	Captain's Log... Somewhat

_(Whoo, this story's an old one. To put it into perspective, this was published September 10, 2016. This one is an old one, so it may have a lower quality than my more current works, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless! Out of all my fics from last year, this one was my favorite, and one that I'm still pretty proud of today. A good oldie of mine... I probably should stop going on about how old it is... ^^;_

_Anywho, I hope you enjoy the story :D)_

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ratchet and Clank or any of its characters, but if any of you build a real Alpha Disrupter, I will be the first to buy it.**

Captain’s Log… Somewhat

            “Captain, I would advise you to remain professional.”

            “I have to agree with Clank, Qwark, you’re being overdramatic again. It isn’t that bad.”

            The ten-foot tall green-clad superhero pushed his (fabulously toned) rear into the air and buried his head under his (well-sculpted) arms. He let out a groan that caused the human guards to look at the heroes with confusion. Ratchet and Clank gave embarrassed smiles to the guards, and hoped Qwark wouldn’t get them throw off the planet.

            A few weeks ago, a group of explorers had discovered a planet called Earth. They came back to the Polaris galaxy, saying that the inhabitants were friendly for the most part, but that they were also a little xenophobic when it came to alien foreigners. The President of Polaris had immediately called Ratchet and Clank, and asked them if they could head over to Earth as ambassadors for the galaxy. Since it wasn’t as hard as fighting an insane robot that wanted to screw with the time stream or twins building a low-rent device that brought monsters from another dimension over to the Polaris galaxy, the duo had readily agreed.

            They had been prepped before leaving Polaris, and that’s when Qwark showed up. Apparently, the President wanted Qwark to go to Earth and “provide security for Ratchet and Clank and show the strength of Polaris if things got out of hand.” Or at least, that was what Qwark said before he started reading aloud and answering his fan mail on the four-hour ride to the planet.

            So far, the three of them had been through twenty different meetings with fifty different leaders, five diplomatic dinners, and endless hours of security checks. Ratchet was sure he had told the planet’s rulers that they had come in peace, but apparently the humans were deaf because there was always a security check five feet from where you stood. And he had only brought a Combuster and his Omniwrench with him.

            Ratchet laid back on the couch the three of them were supposed to sit on and stared at the green superhero. “Qwark, boredom won’t kill you, I promise.”

            Qwark pulled his head out from under his arms and flopped on his back. He stared at the ceiling for a moment before letting out a frustrated groan that caused both the guards to look over to where they sat. “Everything okay over there?” one of the guards asked as he tightened his grip on his gun.

            Qwark was going to get them killed if he didn’t stop. Ratchet nervously smiled at the guards and chuckled. “He’s fine, he’s just bored.” The guards rolled their eyes but jumped back in alarm as Qwark leapt to his feet.

            “No, everything is not fine! We’re not doing anything! Don’t you think this species should be overjoyed to see real heroes?!” He picked Ratchet up off the couch and pulled him to his chest. “Where’s the parades, the high-class parties?” He threw Ratchet up in the air and Ratchet fell to the ground as Qwark dramatically threw out his arms. “WHERE’S THE ENDLESS SWARM OF FANS AND GROUPIES?!”

            Clank stood on the couch and tapped Qwark on the arm as Ratchet pulled himself back onto the couch. “Captain, we did not come here for praise. We came to ease relations between the Polaris galaxy and Earth.”

            Qwark took on the look of a kicked puppy and slouched over. “But everything takes so long, and it’s so boring. If we’re not in security checks or at dinners with weird food, then we’re in rooms full of governmental figures with huge egos.”

            Ratchet fell into a coughing fit and choked out something that sounded like “Oh, the irony!”, which Qwark somehow managed to miss.

            One of the guards rolled his eyes, whispered something to his companion, and left the room. The other guard approached Qwark cautiously and nodded. “Captain, my partner has left to get you a form of entertainment that fits your demands.”

            Qwark looked at the guard. “Uh, can you guys do that?”

            The guard nodded again. “Sir, our orders were to listen to your wants and needs and answer them accordingly.”

            Qwark wrapped an arm around the human and gave a smug smile. “So if I asked you to rub my feet, you’d do it?”

            “I can’t say no, sir, but I must warn you that I have a gun and that I know how to kill another living creature with my bare hands in over thirty different ways.”

             Qwark bolted to the far end of the couch. “Good, ‘cause that would have been a waste of time anyway.” Ratchet tried not to facepalm at the nervous smile Qwark gave the guard. Maybe he should have let Nefarious kill him back on Magnus…

            They waited in silence for another thirty minutes before the other guard came back. “Captain, sir, you wanted something to help you connect with your fans and ease your boredom?”

            The guard was almost attacked as Qwark latched onto the man’s leg. “YES!” he screamed dramatically.

            The guard helped him to his feet and gave Qwark a small handheld device. “This, sir, is an iPhone.” Qwark was about to say something, but the guard held up his hand and silenced him. “You can contact anyone on the planet with this device, however charges may apply if you want to talk out of the United States. You can also play games on the phone that you can download from this thing right here.” Qwark followed along as the human helped him set up his phone. “The real thing that will help you with connecting with your fans and having fun is this group of apps right here.”

            Qwark’s eyes widened in awe, and Ratchet knew that something bad was going to happen with this new power. Clank must have had the same idea, because he shifted closer to Ratchet, ready to hop onto the Lombax’s back at a moment’s notice.

            “Social… media?”

            The human nodded. “With these apps, you can post things about yourself and have millions of people read them. There are dozens of apps, and- “

            Qwark grabbed the phone out of his hand and immediately started clicking on the apps. He gasped as he browsed the home page of Facebook. “Oh. My…”

            Ratchet felt a hand nudge his shoulder. The other human guard nodded toward Qwark. “Should I be concerned about this?”

            Ratchet watched as Qwark set up an account on Facebook. “Maybe. Knowing Qwark, he could make something as simple as reading dangerous.”

            “And, this is how you post a selfie.”

            Ratchet prayed to every super-powerful being in the universe that Qwark wouldn’t undo everything they had worked on in the past few days. Qwark pointed the phone at himself and snapped a picture. He got an evil gleam in his eyes as the human showed him how to edit the picture and write a comment.

            After the guard finished outlining how to work social media, Qwark bolted for the door of the room, eager to try out his new skills. “I-I need to go!” Qwark burst out of the room and thundered down the hall, scaring a few secretaries and cleaning ladies along the way.

            “Clank?”

            “Yes, Ratchet?”

            “What are the odds that Qwark will actually help us by using this social media thing?”

            “You do not want to know.”

* * *

 

            After an hour-long meeting with the Secretary of State of the United States (and without a certain green superhero in attendance), Ratchet and Clank dragged themselves out of the meeting room and crashed back onto the waiting room couch as the Secretary of State and his guards escorted him out of the area.

            The two human guards from earlier were sitting at a nearby table, hunched over something the humans called a computer. One of them leaned back in his chair and waved Ratchet and Clank over. “Do you two want to know what your friend has been up to for the past hour?”

            Ratchet looked over at the guards, knowing that he probably wasn’t going to catch a quick power nap before the next diplomatic meeting. “As long as Qwark hasn’t blown anything up or caused the collapse of the planet, I’m fine with whatever he is doing.”

            “What about dominating every social media site on the planet?”

            Ratchet and Clank bolted over to the computer, and hoped the damage wasn’t too bad.

            The site they were on was Twitter, and Qwark’s face was everywhere. If he wasn’t in a selfie, he was posing with other humans that looked as if they would rather be elsewhere. Qwark’s feed was updating at a rate that was almost impossible.

            Clank pointed to one of Qwark’s pictures. “What do you mean ‘Qwark dominated every social media site’ and who is he posing with?”

            The human guards looked at each other. “In the span of one hour, your friend has almost overloaded social media with his face. It’s almost if he’s constantly posting on every site.” The guard nodded to the picture Clank pointed at. “In that picture, he’s posing with the leader of a terrorist organization known as ISIS, who doesn’t seem to like being crushed between those steroid-arms.”

            Ratchet gaped at the picture as he remembered what one American human soldier had told him about the organization. “You’re telling me Qwark walked through a war zone in order to take a selfie with a murderous psychopath?!”

            The other guard was on his phone. “His Snapchat is worse. He just took a selfie at the top of an active volcano, just before it was about to erupt.” He turned the screen of his phone towards Ratchet.

            Ratchet read off the comment Qwark posted with the picture. “Active volcano about to go off. #TrueHero #PoptheTop #RunningAway #NeedCleanUnderwear.”

            The human at the computer gasped and pulled his partner to the computer. His partner gasped as well and slammed the computer shut. He turned to Ratchet and Clank. “You two won’t do anything while we’re gone, right?”

            Before Ratchet and Clank could nod their heads, the two guards bolted out of the room, leaving the computer behind. Clank hopped onto the chair and lifted the screen. He stared at the photo of Qwark posing with another man of Middle Eastern descent.

            Ratchet’s ears picked up scared whispers just outside the door. “How the heck did he manage to take a picture with an alive and breathing _Osama Bin Laden_?! He’s been dead for five years now!”

            Ratchet nudged Clank and whispered quietly to the small robot. “Pack your stuff Clank, Qwark just traveled through the space-time continuum to take a selfie. This is easily worse than that time he was convinced ingesting enough helium would make him fly.”

            Clank switched over to the other tabs on the Internet. Vine, Pinterest, Tinder, Instagram, Qwark had it all and was overloading the sites with his face. “Indeed. It would be a miracle if the humans still accepted us after this.”

* * *

 

            Qwark, hunched over his phone, slipped into the waiting room where Ratchet and Clank were supposed to be. He never took his eyes off his phone, but he knew he had to get back to his friends at some point. It was nice of that Obama guy to remind him that he needed to get back to his friends. And that Star Trek guy, Leonard Nemoy. And that other Star Trek guy, Armin Shimerman. And that Jim Ward guy that thought he was Qwark. And that Chinese guy that sold him that weird food, or at least Qwark thought that ‘get back to your friends’ was what the guy had said.

            Qwark saw a flash of metal, and the phone was knocked out of his hand. Ratchet grabbed it before Qwark could catch it and threatened to hit the captain with his Omniwrench. “Qwark, we’re staging an intervention. You’ve gone too far this time.”

            Qwark glared at Ratchet. “Oh yeah, you and what army?”

            Ratchet tapped Qwark’s chin and made the green superhero look past the Lombax. Behind Ratchet stood Clank, several US governmental officials, and a half a dozen elite soldiers from every army on Earth.

            Qwark sighed and rolled his eyes. “Please, I’m just posting things on social media. I’m not doing any harm.”

            One of the government officials stepped forward. “Captain Qwark, you have taken over fifty selfies with alive or dead terrorists, five dead celebrities, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, along with many other living celebrities, posting at speeds that are mathematically impossible.”

            Qwark gave a dramatic sigh. “So I broke a few rules concerning the fabric of space and time. Big deal! I need to do different things in order to stand out and impress my fans.”

            Ratchet shook the phone at Qwark. “Qwark, you’ve posted so much, people are starting to freak out, saying that you’re going to make yourself King of the Planet and make the humans worship you as a god!”

            Qwark’s eyes glazed over as he stared off into space. “That’s not a bad idea…”

            Ratchet face-palmed and Clank stepped forward. “Captain, why don’t you take a break from posting pictures and read some comments from your fans?”

            Qwark smiled. “That’s a great idea little buddy!” He snatched the phone from Ratchet’s hand and tapped on the Twitter app.

            Clank turned toward the group of soldiers and officials. “We are very sorry for Qwark’s actions. Both Ratchet and I hope to make it up to you all somehow, and we hope that Earth and the Polaris galaxy can establish a strong alliance.”

            The guards nodded, but then started to back away. A group of them began to surround their government official and point their guns at the Lombax and his robot friend. One of the American guards nodded his head toward Qwark. “What’s he doing?” he asked, steel and fear in his voice.

            Ratchet and Clank turned back to Qwark and found the superhero shaking violently as he stared down at his phone. Qwark had a shell-shocked look on his face, and Ratchet was sure Qwark wasn’t breathing.

            He silently nodded to Clank and slid over to where he could see the screen. As soon as the Lombax saw what Qwark was freaking out about, he paled.

            “Clank, run and ready Aphelion, and make sure to grab twenty teddy bears, five blankets, and three cups of hot coco on your way there.” Clank saw the look on Ratchet’s face and didn’t question his friend. He shot out the door as Ratchet tried to push Qwark out of the room.

            “Okay, guys,” he said, shouting to the humans behind him. “We’re going to leave and come back at another time. We need to calm Qwark down after what he just saw.”

            One of the guards stupidly spoke up. “How bad is it?”

            Qwark’s scream of pure horror echoed throughout the Milky Way galaxy and managed to reach the outskirts of Polaris.

* * *

 

            Dr. Nefarious lifted his head from off the couch end. He sat up and paused his _Lance and Janice_ marathon and stared at the wall.

            Lawrence slipped into the room and paused when he saw his master. “Sir, is everything all right?”

            The doctor shook his head, trying to comprehend what just happened. “I think I just heard Qwark scream in horror and despair.”

            “Oh goodie, at least your ‘Qwark in Misery’ Radar is working,” Lawrence said, turning back to the door. “Unlike its owner,” the butler muttered under his breath as his master continued watching his favorite show.

* * *

 

            Qwark sat in the backseat of the ship, shaking and shuddering. Clank was also in the back, patting Qwark’s hand in a comforting way. “It’s okay Qwark. What you saw was probably a mistake.”

            Qwark mumbled something under his breath and squeezed a few of the teddy bears one of the crisis counselors had given him.

            Ratchet rolled his eyes, but felt worry fill his chest. What if Qwark never recovered from this? He was broken at this moment, and he could cause mass panic among his fans if he wanted to. “Qwark, its fine. Earth is just a little different.”

            “ **NEFARIOUS** IS MORE POPULAR THAN ME ON THAT PLANET! THE UNIVERSE IS COMING TO AN END!” Qwark broke down sobbing as he hugged Clank with all his might.

            Clank continued to examine the screenshots of the Tweets and comments. “I know that it is disconcerting to see so many people ask for Nefarious while on your Twitter feed… and Facebook, Snapchat, Vine, Instagram, and Tinder-” Clank squirmed out of Qwark’s arm and replaced his spot with a teddy bear. “-but you cannot be the most popular hero on every planet.”

            Qwark sniffled and sipped on his thermos of hot coco. “I-I guess you’re right,” he mumbled. Ratchet sighed and leaned back in his seat. That should buy them a few moments of blessed silence…

            Qwark suddenly flinched and grabbed everything that was at arm’s length (thankfully not the pilot). “Do you know what this means?! Nefarious has a whole planet of supporters at his disposal! He could, he could – “

            Ratchet sat completely still. Apparently, there were a lot of Nefarious fans on Earth, and if the scientist found them…

            “HE COULD STEAL ALL MY EARTH FANS AND MAKE HIMSELF KING OF THE PLANET! AND I ALREADY CALLED DOING THAT!”

            Ratchet rubbed his ears as Qwark fresh sobs became ear-piercingly loud. He sighed as he looked at the clock. It was going to be a long ride home…

* * *

 

_I will be transferring more stories soon. I've been slacking off of transferring them lately, and I am sorry for that. I will do my best to try and get everything caught up soon!_

_See you guys in the next story!_

_XD_


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